


couples counseling

by unicorno



Category: (My) Immortal: The Web Series, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, M/M, i want to die
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-10-25 00:30:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17714627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unicorno/pseuds/unicorno
Summary: years after graduating from hogwarts, enoby & draco find themselves at couples counseling; in a muggles office. nothing good ensues.





	couples counseling

**Author's Note:**

> i only finished this so i could sleep at night tbh. if enough people want more ill write more but otherwise i can sleep peacefully

the brunette counselor adjusted in her seat, peering over the troubled couple from her scribblings atop a clean clipboard. her legs crossed, she spoke with soft tone.

“Now. What’s troubling you both?” she questioned, a strand of hair falling over her fair-framed face.  
the sheer white woman across the room took in a sharp breath, releasing it with hesitance.  
“dacos been callin me a prep and—”

the confused professional interrupted, raising a brow. “A.. ‘prep’?” she asked, writing down that their situation already felt confusing. “yeha a fucking prep dont interupt me” she snapped, causing the woman to flinch. “.. My apologies. Please continue.”

“rigjt” she peered down at her crimson nails, the tips sharp like knives. her eyes were almost captivating; but in the way that they were such a pretty shade of blue that they had to be contacts.

everytime she spoke, shed pop the k in ‘goffik’. it was sort of obnoxious, but seemed to roll off the tongue. brushing her raven hair to the side, the woman crossed her legs in proper impersonation.  
“hes fucking wrong, if anyones aprep its hm, i INVENTED the goffik mvement and he cant take cridedit for that shit” she waved her hand in dramatic fashion.

the counselor continued to listen, nodding along and every now again glancing at the fair blonde to her side. he was relatively “goffik” as her client would put it, his eyes a dark scarlet with bags decoring the lower lids. and.. was that _mascara_?

his.. eyeshadow almost made him resemble a raccoon. it was ridiculously layered around his eyes, caked on like foundation to a battle-scarred face. his shirt was baggy & torn, and frankly, he looked like a tool. shed never heard of “good charlotte” before, but really, she already wasnt interested.

“n im the reson hes a vampire npw, i bit him so we could b together 4ever rite” she crossed her arms, her armsocks catching the counselors eye for a moment. my, the woman really did enjoy accessorizing. they were red with purple stripes. she wore fingerless fishnet gloves just under. they looked uncomfortable, really.

“Mhm..” she didnt quite believe the tale so far. was this just a prank or something? they seemed genuine enough in their lack of intelligence, but still, this was so hard to believe. if so, it was an incredibly elaborate prank. she wouldnt even be mad; just entertained.

she didnt recognize the couple, so it was a possible option. the edgelord of a woman sensually bit her lip in an almost sexual fashion, leaning forward. her shirt was an odd corset; and it made the counselor cringe internally in slight disgust. however, the soft bite of her lip showed vampiric fangs. almost impressive makeup job, then. those fangs looked so real.

“so we hadd a bit of a brek in the relatinshup and i caught him fuckin his X boyf you BITCH” she snapped, turning her head to shriek at him. the scrawny blonde didnt flinch; he simply rolled his eyes. “enoby you knewabut that tattoo already y are u still yelling at me for it” he groaned, voice a low mumble.

“SHUT UP DWACOIM FUCKIG TALKING YOUFKING PREP. FUCKING GoFFIK IMPERSONATOR. YOU PROBABBLY LIKE FUCKING MAROON 5 DONT YOU YOU LITLE BITCH!!!!!!1” she shrieked, voice shrill like an angry soccermom whos child had been insulted.

the counselor lightly brushed through her oak-shaded hair with delicate fingers, heavily considering ending the session right here & now. “Please, lets continue. What happened after you caught him?” she asked, writing down a description of ebonys hostility. “fangz for not doubting me” the straight-haired vampiric woman smiled briefly, though it looked kind of awkward on her drastically pale face.

“Fangz..? Er—right. What happened next?” she asked, almost invested. this was like a badly written soap opera; the kind youd watch in spanish. even if you had understood spanish, youd still have no idea what was going on.

“he still thnkz im a prep but im NOT, HES TEHPREP IF ANY1 HERE IS. EVEN UR LESS OF A PREP THAN HIM no offenze but srlsy ur shirt SCREEMS prep” she gestured toward the counselors professional button-up. she shrugged in response, not exactly sure how to respond to the accusation.

“i wat to this to work but i feel like i shud just leave him for vampire” she breathed out, turning her head away with her arms crossed. “if he loved me he wudnt call me a prep or thretan to end snap and loopin on me, the fuckin pedos”

“willo told me tat hs no good for me bt what wood willow fucing know anyway” she began a soft ramble, picking dirt from under her artificial nails. her boots jingled with every sway of her foot, each lace decored with charms of pentagrams or goat heads.

her boyfriend was scrolling his phone; almost seeming neglectful of her supposedly sad words. “Well… Draco, let’s begin with you. You haven’t said much.” she turned, giving him a patient smile. “i love er so muhch an she does THIS SHIT to me” he growled under his breath.

already, a wonderful start. “she fuckd VAMPIOE anyeay, the slu—” “DON YPU FUCKIG DAR CSLL ME A SLUT WEN YOUR LITTLE SHIT SLEF CAMT MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MINS ON WHAT YOU WNAT TO EAT ON SUNDAY- MY ASS OR TAKEOUT!!!” she shrieked, words louder than a bullet train collision.

the pale “”vampire”” sat back in her chair, turning it with her heel to physically sit facing away from him. his face scrawled with anger for a moment; before he exhaled. “i fukinlove enoby bt shes sch a dimb butch thjat itwouldmt sirprise me if she was relly BLOMDE” the petty insults continued.

“drsco.” she turned, standing and placing her hands on his shoulders. “what babr” he responded, raising a surprisingly well-drawn eyebrow. “your blond, you fukin iduit.” the entertained counselor shifted, mentally noting that she would be paid for this. shed have her cake and eat it too, all at the price of.. well, her dignity, probably.

“Let’s try this again.” she exhaled, clicking the top of her pen. the reluctant male sighed; tossling his dusty bangs back. they stuck together like concrete under all that hairgel he must have used- his hair almost looked matte under the top layer from the thick application.

“After you caught her with.. Vamp-ee-oh?” she squinted, expression brimmed with confusion; but neither of the two provided an explanation, simply nodding. “Vampeyoh—right.” she jotted his name down, including several question marks at the end. she wasnt entirely sure how to spell that.

“You then proceeded to?” she pivoted her optics back toward him. “screm n thro all her rshit out tewindow” he sighed, leaning back & crossing his arms behind his head. malice burned in his partners gaze. “all tatsurvoved his tempr tatrum   was wat im waring” she explained, a low growl echoing in her tone.

“it took me tree hours” he huffed. “most of itwas bouhtt w my FUCKIGMONY” he hissed, baring his (hopefully false) teeth at the woman; who hissed back, resembling an angered wolverine in her mannerism.

“thhree hours of tossig shit aftershirt over the balcoby” he ranted and raved- however, the counselors thoughts more focused on the fact that he sounded at times as though he was trying to speak with a full mouth. really, ‘balcoby’? these were some genuinely impressive theatrics.

“n dont getme started onm her fuckighmakup drawet, thig weijed like 4000 poinds” he finished, holding his temples in exasperation. “you weih 4000 pouds” his bitter vampiress(?) murmured, brushing her dyed hair aside. her attitude resembled that of a childs.

“What did you do while he was.. tossing your clothing out the window?” she leaned forward, invested in the story. “told vampojr to lev cos we were DISCUSSIG BUYINGHIS DOGSPUPPYS” she growled through clenched teeth.

oh thank god she didnt have the chance to actually buy a dog; she couldnt imagine how the poor canine would turn out in that womans arms, actress or not. “YA AND ON OURBED” dracos arms interlaced with eachother, speaking in a tone that mocked her.

“HEWAS STIL WEARIGHIS FUCKIMGJACKET” “YA HIS MURDERJACKET” “WHAT THE FIK IS A MUIRDER JACKET” “TS THE ONE THATSLONG” “A FMICUGK RENCHCOAT” “YEAH THAT” they yelled back and forth, voices raising to the point of concern.

“This ends our first session; the hours over.” she sighed, disappointed it came to an end. “Please return next week. We’ve only scratched the surface.”


End file.
